Forever-Haunts Past


For no matter how often I come
back, now
is always a different time to what
– to when –
it was
then: a now-romanticised place which we divorced from an always-space the very
moment we went to it; some
probably partly
untrue unhappened
happenings which are now
in amongst everyone’s world
in which
– in where –
they never existed.

This is a return:
this is tourism.

Our trees are shorter, but wider, rounder,
with arms more
open. Easier
to breech are the breadths of the
beech and oak and willow
compared to the under-air of their
not-so pines, whose limbs climbed above, I recall, all over
that beloved bulk of isles.
There’s grass to cradle your ass [to be read in the southern English accent] whenever it might
not be raining (which is less likely here than on
that beloved bulk of isles.)

There’s the vet where we took Ziggy for his
broken leg following on
from that scuffle with a fox. There’s
Hemdean Road where I foolishly
bode in Clegg, helping to prep us all
for a for-once
disdain. The remembered pain
in passing his old house, and
wandering whether yet
his mother has met
his now spouse and now
up and over Balmore Park
it was dark the girl-like screams of frogs clogged
my will
with fear,
and I knew in my then-flight for the first time in my then-life
that disgusting betrayal which is cowardice (what if she had been there?)
[A more disturbing happen-stance by far than
in the same place
I ran far far from that dog, from us flinging far far
our just-picked
September blackberries.]
[Today I re-read Heaney.]

How far? How old? It
hardly matters, it
is happening still as I in-
still upon this place


hill which only
I see, which forever
will be an influx, an
ever-changing stuck

landscape of
me mory.

This is
a tourism which only all of us have.

This is “return.”


2 Responses to “Forever-Haunts Past”

  1. Haikugirl Says:

    I *love* this. Thank you for sharing.

    • Sutefu Says:

      Ali, thanks!

      Good to hear from you – sorry it’s taking me an inexcusably long time to respond to your lovely, very welcome comments. How are you doing?

      You wrote a blog piece about Hyper Japan in London! Will you be attending the next one? If so – or indeed, if you’ll be attending anything anytime in London – send me an email, we should (finally) meet in person!

      Hope Bristol is treating you well, and you’re still somehow finding all of the kitkats. You’ve gotta tell me where you get them, sometime. Chocolate flavoured chocolate seems so dull, now.

      Warmest regards!
      Steph x

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